Thursday, November 27, 2008

I was just wondering if you guys are open today?

It's Thanksgiving. The grocery store where I work is open all day today. The only day of the year we close is Christmas. Today, I was stuck at the service counter answering phone calls. How dumb are people? Seriously.

I answer the phone. "Hey, are you guys open today?" the idiot on the other end asks.
"No, I just thought I'd stick around and answer the phone rather than spending the holiday with my family."

Of course, I didn't say that, but I wanted to.

The next question is usually, "How long are you open?"
"Until Christmas."

And yes, I did say "Until Christmas." I couldn't resist.

The other thing that drives me nuts is when customers come in and say stupid things like, "Oh, you have to work on Thanksgiving. That's a bummer; they shouldn't make you work on Thanksgiving."

"Well, if you didn't have to come in the store to get your lottery tickets, I wouldn't have to work, would I?"

Again, didn't say it, but I was thinking it.

Go home, you morons! Find something better to do with your Thanksgiving than bothering me!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Grocery Store Etiquette

It's inevitable. At some point in time, everyone needs to eat which means that at some point in time, everyone will visit the grocery, unless you live off fast food that is. As a cashier, there are a few things I would like everyone to keep in mind the next time they go to the grocery.
1. I do not set the prices. Don't bitch to me about the price of milk. I have no control over how much your groceries cost. I have to pay the same amount that you do when I buy food. And I really don't care how much milk cost when you were my age. It's called inflation. Fill out a comment card. Who knows, maybe pigs will fly and your unrealistic expectations will be met.
2. I don't control what price your groceries ring up at. If you think something rang up at the wrong price, politely inform me and I'll do a price check. If it is wrong, I will change if for you. If not, I really don't want to listen to you bitch. You should have read the sign. Oh, and don't waste my time for three f***ing cents. It's three cents. Get over it.
3. I have no control over how fast the customer in line ahead of you gets out of your way. I have no control over when problems will arise, causing time delays. If I'm moving slowly, there's a reason for it. If you're in such a hurry, maybe you should have given yourself a little more time to get everything done, or how about this, skip the grocery and go straight to work. If time delays occur, don't throw a tantrum; you're an adult.
4. I have no control over scheduling. I'm just as pissed off as you are about being one of only two people scheduled to work the busy morning rush. It means that I have to do more work and put up with more assholes like you. Fill out a comment card. Please. I'm sick of putting up with too many assholes complaining about how few cashiers are scheduled.
5. If you're so fat that you get winded walking from your car (which is parked in handicapped) to the front of the store, you really don't need that ice cream. Especially if you're paying with EBT (food stamps). Get off your lazy ass, eat a salad and get a job. I can understand being overweight, but there's no excuse for morbid obesity, unless you have a medical issue which causes morbid obesity. Most likely however, you did it to yourself and you won't get any sympathy from me because you have to walk to the back of the store to get your 15lbs of cheese.
6. Bathe before you come to the store. If you have an odor problem, bathe twice. If I can smell you from more than five feet away, you shouldn't even be out in public.
7. The express lane is 8 items or less (or 10 or whatever the posted number happens to be). If the posted number happens to be 8, don't come through with 15 items. Read the damn sign. This is not because the cashier wants to be a bitch and send you away. This is for the convenience of the other customers. Think about somebody other than yourself for once.
8. I don't make the rules or policies of the store. If I tell that I can't do something for you because of store policy, leave it at that. Don't whine or bitch and complain. I have to follow the rules, which means so do you. If you have a problem with the rules, fill out a comment card.
9. Don't ask to talk to the store manager for every little problem. He's busy fixing the real problems associated with running a grocery. He doesn't have time to listen to you bitch about the cashier supposedly overcharging you three cents (see also 2). Fill out a comment card. That's what they're there for.
10. No, I don't know who you are or what you do for a living. Honestly, I don't care. I'm not changing the rules just for you because you think you're special. (See also 8)
11. Keep your whiny, screaming brats quiet and out of my hair. I am not a babysitter. Your child is not my responsibility. They're yours. That's what being a parent is all about.
12. Remember your manners. "Please" and "Thank you" are always welcome. Also, if I call you "sir" or "ma'am," I'm not calling you old. I'm showing respect. You should do the same.
13. Don't even try to pronounce my name unless it's something easy, like Sarah or Jenny. Most likely, you're just going to mispronounce it. If you want to use my name and are unsure of the pronunciation, ask me.
14. I'm making polite conversation while I ring up your groceries. I really don't want to hear your life story.
15. I don't order the products. I can't control what we do and don't carry. I can't control what runs out of stock. If you have a special request, please ask the people at the service counter. They will talk to the people who do order and they'll try to get the product for you.
16. No making out or groping in the check out line. No one wants to see that.
17. Dress appropriately. If I can see your rolls under that skintight shirt, you are not dressed appropriately. If I can see your beer belly hanging out from under your too short shirt, you are not dressed appropriately. If I can see any kind of underwear, you are not dressed appropriately.

And on a serious note: If you get into an altercation in my store, it is my business. If you decide to hit your child or spouse in my store, it is my business and it will soon become the cop's business. Keep a civil tongue in your head and your hands to yourself. There is no reason for violence.

Thank you for shopping with us.

*Reposted from my myspace

What's in a name?

For years I've had to put up with morons and assholes mispronouncing my name. I've even shortened it to make it easier for those half-wits to figure out. It's not difficult. Jozie. Rhymes with Ozzy. Figure it out. As for my given name, which for those of you who never learned what my given name is, it's Jocelyn. Now I know it's a unique name. Not very common, but seriously, it's not that difficult. Just sound it out. Let me help.
It's not "Jack-lin"- Where the hell did you find an "a" in Jocelyn? I don't see one!
It's not "Jock-lin"- There's an "e" after the "c". Any time "e" follows "c", the "c" makes the same sound as an "s". We learned this in elementary school. Let's all make the sound together. "Sssssss" There, now you all sound like a pit of snakes, or the cast of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" (don't make any comments about how that's not politically correct! I don't f***ing care. And neither do most of my gay friends.)
It's not "Joyce-lin"- Don't add extra letters to my name, asshole. Look at my name. It's J-O-C-E-L-Y-N! It's not that hard. Figure it out!
So for goodness sake, if you can't figure out how to pronounce my name, don't butcher it. Ask me how it's pronounced. I'm less likely to cut out you tongue, but don't assume you're safe from that fate. Depending on what you say after you ask how to pronounce my name, I may still decide you're too stupid for words.

*Reposted from my myspace